A Leo and Cancer love match isn’t the best match in the zodiac. Leo is fire and Cancer is water. These two elements are opposite and have very precise chemical reactions to each other.
Water and Fire Signs
Water will extinguish a fire. This is not a metaphor, but a law of physics. The element of water will drown out a roaring fire. Fire will make water boil. This combination of elements does not support each other, and this is seen in the way Leo and Cancer relationships play out.
Leo and Cancer Love Match
This love match is dicey at best, but in some cases, it may work if other parts of each sign’s chart are compatible. Opposites do attract, and there is attraction between these two. The only problem with opposite attraction is that eventually the opposite natures create conflict. So if you’re a Leo and Cancer couple in the first throes of love, simply enjoy the connection while it lasts.
There will be some very significant challenges the two of you will face if you’re going for a long-term relationship. If you want this relationship to work, both of you need to be willing to compromise and continue to compromise every day. It can become a stressful situation if you allow resentment to creep in.
Leo will be the one facing the greatest challenges in this relationship. Cancer is a homebody and doesn’t like an extreme display of wealth and extravagance. Leo will have to curb his natural tendencies to be on stage and perform for a crowd. As you can see, this is going to be very difficult for Leo to be something he’s not just to please his water sign lover. Leo’s fiery emotions are another aspect of his gregarious nature he’s going to need to curb because Cancer can’t handle too many emotions at once – especially those Leo brings to the relationship.
Cancer is drawn to Leo’s power and his take charge presence. She enjoys letting him be in the driver’s seat and in control, but she can’t cope with his constant need to be on stage. She would much prefer a night snuggled on the couch watching a movie than dancing through one club after another. She’ll yawn at the various art galleries Leo drags her to and possibly whine that she’d rather be at home canning the vegetables from her garden.
Leo’s clothing expenditures alone will send the crab scrambling into her shell where she’ll stay put for days unable to face challenging Leo’s right to spend his money. The next time he makes what she considers to be an excessive purchase, Cancer will clamp her mouth shut, but it’ll be clear to Leo that she’s dismayed. Cancer’s natural tendency will be to put a damper on Leo’s enjoyment of fine works of art and expensive clothes. Cancer loves a beautiful home, but she’s more thrifty than her regal mate.
Sex and Love
The one area these two might be able to find compatibility is in the bedroom. Leo is a master in the art of love and enjoys romancing his lover. He’ll be turned on by Cancer’s willingness to be dominated and the way she returns his love. Cancer is a devoted wife and mother, two characteristics that Leo finds appealing and rewarding. Leo is a faithful lover, and Cancer will find security in that fidelity.
Leo wants to raise a few cubs and enjoy a loving home life. Cancer can fulfill his heart’s desire and then some. Cancer is the proverbial mother who enjoys all of the household chores. Cooking for her family is especially one of her favorite duties. When it comes to mothering children, Cancer makes an exceptional mom.
Making It Work
If Leo can put his ego aside and make the compromises he must for his Cancer lover, he will be rewarded with a rich and fulfilling home life and family. If Cancer can give in to Leo’s need for a lavish lifestyle and demanding social life, she will be rewarded with a devoted and faithful husband. Leo will remain a doting father that his family can always rely upon. These compromises can make a Leo and Cancer love match work.
Members of this sign can be a bit wishy-washy and emotionally driven, and they’re constantly living in a dream-like state.
As a Pisces, I know all of my partners have had to, in one way or another, adjust and adapt to my ways.
What can I say? It’s difficult when you are naturally drawn to just going with the flow.
If you are in a relationship or looking to pursue a relationship with a Pisces, here are 10 things to keep in mind:
1. They seek true love.
Pisces need to feel loved, though they won’t always explicitly state it. Being with a Pisces is more than just sharing a bed or a home together; they seek a deep spiritual connection.
This could be due to our dreamy state, but Pisces want to believe true love can exist between two people.
2. They are devoted.
Of all the signs in the zodiac, Pisces are the most romantic and caring. They display their affection with beautifully romantic and elegant gestures, further demonstrating their creativity and devotion to their partners. Pisces let their hearts speak and rule over them.
3. They are intuitive.
Pisces always listen to their guts. They can sense when something is wrong or off.
If you are having a bad day, or maybe stayed out too late and don’t want to get in trouble with your partner, don’t try to lie to Pisces. They will call you on it.
4. The are passionate.
The sexuality of Pisces is very romantic and mystical. One of the biggest turn offs for a Pisces is crude behavior, as they prefer sweetness and passion.
Sex with a Pisces is intimate, passionate and mind-blowing. Pisces will always give!
5. They are deep.
Communicating with a Pisces can be difficult sometimes, as their thoughts can go down elaborate paths. Understanding and communicating with them requires you to follow their winding road of thoughts.
6. They are giving.
Pisces are notorious for their indecisiveness. When dating a Pisces, it has to be remembered they are givers, they’ll sacrifice and they are all about the flow.
Feel like watching a chick flick, but your Pisces wants action and gore? He’ll sit through and watch your movie without a peep because he is with you, and you are happy!
7. They need alone time.
Sometimes, when the tough get going, a Pisces will become a recluse and avoid everyone and anyone. Because of their high emotions, Pisces can become overwhelmed. They will need to escape, and this may come in the form of drugs, alcohol and thrill-seeking bad habits.
It’s important to show your support and be there for them when they are ready to come out of hiding. Like fish, they can startle easily and hide even longer.
8. They value simplicity.
Pisces enjoy simple pleasures. Yes, they enjoy the being with their friends, but they aren’t really a fan of large crowds.
When it comes to dates, Pisces would rather have a simple dinner than a crowded, elbow-to-elbow restaurant. That isn’t to say they wouldn’t mind these things on occasion, but balance is key.
9. They are dreamers.
Though Pisces love living in their dream worlds, the last thing they would want for you to do is pop their bubbles and ruin their illusions.
Though you may think it’s time for them to come back down to Earth, popping their bubbles is essentially shutting down who they truly are. Pisces can live and handle the two realities with ease, and it often contributes to their creativity and inspiration.
10. They’re loyal.
Pisces are not usually the ones to leave relationships.
Like the element of water of which they are a part of, they adapt to the container of life and the relationships they find themselves in.
Loving a Pisces can be hard at times, but know you will have their love forever. Their happiness will always be tied to making sure you are happy.
You have a list of errands to run in a short amount of time. You keep hitting every red light. Every store you to has a long line. Every person you have run into you hate. And you’ve already been pulled over twice for speeding.
(April 20th to May 21st)
You’re on stage about to give a speech and you throw up in front of everyone then trip.
(May 22nd to June 21st)
You keep trying to get fired at work but they continue to promote you.
(June 22nd to July 22nd)
You are trapped at a family party you aren’t allowed to leave.
(July 23rd to August 22nd)
Your love interest keeps sending flowers to your office even though you want the relationship to be low key AF and you’re not sure if you even like the guy.
(August 23rd to September 22nd)
You end up working a 9-5 desk job you hate and you have to wear dress-pants every day.
(September 23rd to October 22nd)
Your cell phones dies and no one has a charger, nor do chargers for your phone exist anymore.
(October 23rd to November 22nd)
You end up in a relationship with someone who openly weeps every time an abusive animal commercial comes on.
(November 23rd to December 21st)
Your roommate is a slob who has attracted mice she thinks are cute.
(December 22nd to January 20th)
Every ex-girlfriend you’ve ever had becomes best friends with your current girlfriend.
(January 21st to February 18th)
Your ex-ends up with your best friend and they ask you to be in the wedding.
(February 19th to March 20th)
You find yourself alone at a party where you know everyone hates you but you aren’t allowed to leave. Instead, you have to stand there and listen without crying to every reason why.
1. They peeled back a roll of fat, and she had a swarm of maggots eating through her rotting skin.
“My mom’s an ICU nurse.
One day, they had a morbidly obese woman come in with ‘bad stomach pains.’ After bringing her in, they went to examine her…
…They peeled back a roll of fat, and she had a swarm of maggots eating through her rotting skin. It turns out that she didn’t wash. She constantly got food all over her, which turned rancid.
I respect medical professionals.”
2. An eight-year-old girl bleeding from her vagina.
“A month ago or so I was posted to the night shift in the ER, usual shit was going on, I was monitoring a stroke patient when this guy brings in an 8-year-old girl bleeding from her vagina and she was put on a stretcher, I go to see this girl her face had turned pale and when we lift her skirt up her underwear was bloody with blood stains everywhere on the insides of her skirt, it was an obvious case of sexual assault, there were no other injuries on either the girl or the ‘father’, she was petrified and flinched at every touch, the man claimed to her father and said it was an road traffic accident and she fell of his bike, the doctor assigned to her filed a medico legal case on the spot and shifted her to the gynecology ward. The look on that girl’s face haunts me to this day.”
3. Green stuff begins bubbling out.
“ICU. John Doe, unconscious, threadiest pulse ever & stinking to high heavens. Throw him on everything we’ve got & losing the battle. Wash him up a bit, still stinks even with the usual tricks. Suddenly hear a fart-like noise, green stuff begins bubbling out, & he literally deflates as he goes into asystole. That distended belly was gas from his gut being nothing but rot.
Didn’t make it, obviously.”
4. He had a solid poop/sunflower seed plug right in his butthole.
“This guy says he ate a 3-pound bag of sunflower seeds INCLUDING the shells. He was constipated and pain in his rectum. He had a solid poop/sunflower seed plug right in his butthole. Said he had not had a bowel movement in a week and couldn’t poop it out. The whole area of the EC smelled of hard stale poo.
We don’t typically spoon poop out of people anymore because for fuck’s sakes it’s a level one trauma center. But seeing as how far he had gone we spooned out the poop.”
5. His partner had been putting a frozen fish in his anus.
“A friend who is an ER physician told me about a gay man that came in because his partner had been putting a frozen fish in his anus.
The problem was, when it heated up there, the fins fanned out. This made it impossible to remove without surgery. Think like an arrow going in, and trying to pull it straight back out without serious damage.
This was just one of a wild assortment of objects that are placed in a place they’re not meant for.”
6. Have had someone on many occasions wake up on the vent and mouth ‘KILL ME’ to me.
“Have had someone on many occasions wake up on the vent and mouth ‘KILL ME’ to me. Was once in hydrotherapy when a patient was trying to tongue out his ETT so he would die.
I have seen many terrible things. ICU psychosis makes everything a lot worse. Talking to people who aren’t there, fist-fighting with your nurse, etc. I have also had friends with PTSD after being in an ICU.”
7. The ‘Man in Black.’
“ICU nurse. Something that has been experienced by multiple patients of mine, is the ‘man in black’. Patients who aren’t doing well and are still able to talk will often ask about the ‘man in black’.
He’s standing in the corner, by the edge of the bed, looking out the window, staring at them. He’s not doing anything, but something about the look of him puts them on edge. The man in black doesn’t have favorites, most recently he visited a priest.
I should start keeping statistics of who he comes for and how many make it through. I wonder if when my time comes I’ll see him just because I know he’s there.”
8. If they start talking to Jesus, you need to get ready for something bad.
“People that start talking to their dead mother or see the light…75% chance they are going to go down. If they start talking to Jesus, you need to get ready for something bad. I don’t care if they are eating, ambulatory, and stable……we see this in the unit all the time. Some old man recovering nicely starts saying ‘mamma mamma I’m coming home’ is not just singing Ozzy.
Also, and I know it sounds like ‘no shit’ thing to say, if some looks at you and says ‘I’m dying’ no matter what the vitals are or what has been going on, take that shit seriously.
No one teaches this in Med school.”
9. Lady masturbates with fish, forgot to take it out.
“I am a General Physician working in a General Hospital….Lady came by because she had ‘weird smell and secretion’ coming from her vagina. No biggie. Start examining her when the stench of rotten fish hits me on my face. White-Grayish secretion flows out. Put my hand in there, reach deep and pull out a dead fish. Lady masturbates with fish, forgot to take it out.”
10. Dude lost his dick and balls during a jet-skiing accident but had them reattached.
“My wife was a CNA for a while in Post-Operation. She used to come home with all kinds of grisly stories.
My favorite was a guy who got castrated while jet skiing. Dude was out jet skiing and crossed a tubers line without knowing it. He caught his junk on the line and it castrated him, dick and balls full stop. Anyhoo, this dude proceeds to fish his fucking junk out of the river he was in, ride his jet ski home, put his package on ice, call an ambulance and call in to work the next day. They managed to reattach the whole kit and kaboodle and it worked just fine.”
11. A poor kid was now a paraplegic but didn’t know yet.
“A poor kid who was now a paraplegic but didn’t know yet because his parents hadn’t come and they were waiting to tell him.”
12. Drug addict, high on opiates used an X-Acto knife to cut between the shaft of the penis and the inside of his cock head.
“Drug addict, high on opiates used an X-Acto knife to cut between the shaft of the penis and the inside of his cock head. Essentially making it so the head was separate from the main structure of the shaft, but was still connected by tissues at the tip, kind of like when a strong wind turns an umbrella inside out. He then used those low quality rough brown paper towels you see in public restrooms, and stuffed it underneath the partially de-gloved head to stem the blood flow.”
13. ‘Why is there a dead body here?’
“ICU nurse here. Some people tell me they don’t remember anything after waking up from a coma. Some people can hear what’s going on but are just unable to respond. Some people have delirium and it feels like a constant scary dream.
I had one patient who was not technically in a coma, but had delirium. He was waiting for a lung transplant. I admitted him into my room three hours after a woman died and we removed her body. He delirious man asked me: ‘who’s that woman standing by the window?’ ‘Why is there a dead body here?’ ‘Can you please ask the team of people to leave so I can sleep?’ (no one was there except me and him) And various other periods of talking to ‘other people in the room’
At one point he insisted that we had lungs for him, but didn’t want to give them to him and we actually just wanted him to die (the real story is that we had lungs for him, he was told that he would be getting his transplant and was brought to the OR…. only to find out that the lungs actually weren’t usable. But he didn’t believe us)
He eventually got his lungs and healed 100%. Afterwards he told us all sorts of things that he thought was going on. Says it felt like real life, but he knows it was just a dream.
Many people actually get PTSD from being in an ICU patient. :(”
14. I once saw a woman take a bite out of her own log of shit like it was a chocolate bar and then proceed to lick/suck the remnants off each finger.
“I work in a dementia home and I once saw a woman take a bite out of her own log of shit like it was a chocolate bar and then proceed to lick/suck the remnants off each finger.
She asked me and my friend from down the hallway if we had a tissue for her, and we went ‘what is that?’ And she said it was chocolate, and having given out chocolate brownies on the tea round earlier we believed her. My friend went to give her a tissue as I went to the kitchenette. My friend then approached me looking deathly pale and stammered out ‘that, is not chocolate’ I approached the woman and was hit by the foulest dog shit smell (you know it’s bad when human shit smells like dog shit), and this woman’s hands were covered in shit stains and another colleague had apprehended her and wrapped the log in a napkin. She said she would take over as both me and my friend who had physically watched the woman take a bite of it began to pale as the realization set in – I made it to the toilet but my friend just puked straight up onto the floor. Other colleague took the woman for a shower and when I was still gathering myself at the bottom of the stairs I heard ‘Shall we brush your teeth now Sheila? I think we should’, which I couldn’t help but laugh at the time, despite how rotten the whole debacle was.”
15. His brains were spillin’ out.
“Had a guy walk into the ambulance bay and shoot himself in the head. That woulda been it if they didn’t find the note hinting at a bomb in his car, so they wrapped up his head with Kerlix and sent him up to the ICU while his brains were spillin’ out.”
Many of our spending habits are influenced by our upbringing. If you were brought up in a household that counted every penny, you may find yourself monitoring your cash flow and being very cautious with your investments as you get older. If you grew up in a house full of spendthrifts, you may carry on that tradition by “treating yourself” quite a bit.
While early spending habits may play a role in the current state of your financial health, your zodiac sign may also be a factor in your financial prowess. Some zodiac signs are better than others at conserving cash or making smart investments. Others are a bit more free with their spending. Take a look and see where you fall in the astrological spectrum!
Aries balances intellect with a wild streak — which seems to apply to this sign’s financial prowess. Aries is the sign most likely to save a substantial pile of cash, and then proceed to spend it freely. This sign typically puts limitations on themselves, not allowing their bank balance to dip below a certain level no matter how wild their spending spree may be.
Taurus’s love of the finer things in life makes this astrological sign the spendthrift of the zodiac. Not only does Taurus love luxury, their generous nature makes it easy for them to plunk down some serious coin to give loved ones extravagant gifts, too. “Share the wealth” is Taurus’s motto. While Taurus certainly spends hard, they work hard, too — earning every penny they make and spend!
The financial health of Gemini is as unpredictable as this astrological sign itself. Gemini has the ability to save a tidy pile of cash without ever being tempted to spend it on something unimportant. While you may not find Gemini squandering their money on knick-knacks or trivial goods, Gemini is prone to gambling with their cash. Whether it’s playing the stock market, hitting the casino, or engaging in a game of cards, some of history’s biggest risk takers — such as Donald Trump and Wild West-era gunslinger / gambler Wild Bill Hickok — were born under the sign of Gemini.
Despite being ruled by the moon and affected by shifting tides, Cancer is actually pretty even-keel when it comes to their financial health. They save quite regularly and spend on just the essentials. When Cancer does open their wallet, they do it with travel in mind. Whether it’s a road trip or an exotic vacation, frugal Cancer enjoys using their savings to see the world.
This driven sign will discipline themselves to save for a big ticket item and have zero guilt about making the big purchase once they’ve saved enough. When it comes to financial prowess, Leo is the king of the astrological jungle and unparalleled in their ability to budget, save, spend, and bargain hunt — all while still looking like a million dollars. Homemaking mogul Martha Stewart is a shining example of Leo’s entrepreneurial spirit and well-balanced sense of saving and spending.
In terms of finances, Virgo tends to err on the side of frugality, knowing how to pinch a penny until it screams. Virgo has very few vices that put a drain on their wallets, limiting themselves to one “treat” per month. Virgo can be a bit of a foodie (coincidentally, this astrological sign actually rules the stomach and intestinal organs), and often, their “big treat” involves a delicious gourmet meal. Cerebral and outgoing, Virgo does very well with real estate — whether it’s selling real estate, investment properties, flipping houses, or acting as a landlord / landlady.
Libra, represented by the scales, takes a very balanced approach to their finances: Spend a little, save a little. Libra is always saving for a rainy day, but also knows when it’s time to take a step back and enjoy the fruits of their labor. Libra has a wild side and loves to use their finances to bankroll their next adventure and drag a loved one along with them on their journey. Like fellow air sign Gemini, Libra is a calculated risk taker, and like Taurus — also ruled by the Venus, Libra’s planetary influence — this astrological sign enjoys using their savings to orchestrate surprises for their special someone.
The always-intriguing Scorpio always has money on his or her mind. Saving isn’t necessarily Scorpio’s strong suit. However, their inventive minds make them financial wizards when it comes to get-rich-quick schemes, or using their keen sense of analysis and preternatural intuition to observe market trends and make a few quick wins.
Sagittarius has a strong work ethic and zero qualms about rolling up his or her sleeves and putting in a hard day’s work. This fire sign is passionate about what they do for a living. They spend judiciously,purchasing items of quality or great usefulness. The financial health of Sagittarius is typically good since they are quite good at socking away a sizeable amount of cash and make careful spending choices.
Grounded earth sign Capricorn is almost always financially well-off. They save smart and spend smart, thinking before they leap. The words “impulse purchase” do not exist in Capricorn’s vocabulary. They do, however, have a love of luxury and will not hesitate to drop some dough on a tasteful item of apparel or furniture. Capricorn is a hard worker with a sense of community responsibility and a strong, charitable streak.
Aquarius has the rare quality of being a visionary and an entrepreneur. Don’t let their dreamy, poetic side fool you: Aquarius has a way to take their passion and carve out not just a career for themselves, but to create opportunities around them for others, too. This sign can make and stockpile money like Ebenezer Scrooge, but they also happen to be very generous with those around them. Oprah Winfrey exemplifies this generous, entrepreneurial aspect of Aquarius — taking her drive, ambition, and love for sharing with others to form a media empire.
When Pisces puts their mind to it, this zodiac sign has the potential to amass a sizeable amount of cash. However, this “go with the flow” sign is prone to impulse shopping. Of all of the zodiac signs, Pisces is the one that may benefit the most from a financial advisor. Given some direction, they can learn to rein in their spending habits and create a small fortune / tidy retirement fund for themselves.
This one time in college, a few friends and I were in the courtyard of a bar on Decatur St. in New Orleans. We had these rolls to do. During this period in New Orleans there were these rolls that people called chocolate-chip cookies because they were white with little brown specks. They came on really strong at first and it felt like it was heavy dope or something but then it would ease up and you’d be able to move and talk and maybe dance and have the time of your life whenever, wherever you wanted. I remember people saying that the brown specks in the rolls were “heroin spots” and that sounded pretty cool at the time because none of us knew how awesome (horrible) heroin actually is (can turn out to be). We all ate the rolls, and about twenty minutes later my friend Dan (who had also just eaten a gigantic platter of ribs and fries and coleslaw and potato salad that looked disgusting and I don’t even know why he ate a bunch of food when he was getting ready to do ecstasy because that doesn’t really mix very well), he said his stomach didn’t feel good. Then he grew a little white. But Dan was already really white so he turned more of a grayish-green color like pale people (gross) always do. His hue was quickly waning. Dan had long black stringy hair and a gigantic mouth that was always smiling and laughing but it also took up most of his face because it was so big. You know those people whose faces are all mouth. Dan’s color and sickened demeanor made it obvious what was coming. He leaned forward in his chair with his head under the table and treated us to the sound of retching and little smacklets of undigested rib bites hitting the floor of the courtyard. Obviously we wanted to leave immediately, but we stayed so as to not attract attention to the mess he was making. He was our friend and he was temporarily down. He had his head under the table for a minute. When the sound of the vomiting stopped, it was replaced by a sound even more awful. A moaning sound, but not a moaning. Or a muffled voice but not really muffled. It sounded like Dan was talking with his hand over his mouth, but he wasn’t.
“Dan, you okay?”
“Dan, you alright?”
“Dan, sit back up. People are watching.”
Dan sat up. When he sat up he looked around at all of us with his mouth wide open like you do at the dentist’s. It was wider than just open. It was like double-open. I thought he was maybe laughing.
“Dan, what are you doing? Shut your mouth.”
“aaaaahnaa” Dan pointed to his jaw.
There was a tremendous boom of laughter.
While Dan was under the table, the vomiting became so violent that it forced his mouth open and it got stuck. His jaw was locked into the wide-as-fuck-open position and there was no budging it. It looked more open than you think mouths are ever supposed to get, and it looked incredibly painful. He didn’t say it was painful. Dan could no longer speak, only moan. You need to be able to close your mouth or get it somewhere near closed in order to form words with your lips. You need to be able to touch your tongue to the back of your teeth or the roof of your mouth because that’s where language is. Besides it being pretty funny, the sound Dan made when trying to speak was unpleasant, disquieting, and terrible and I’m pretty sure everyone wanted to get away from it because it had the potential of giving us all a bad night. I’m not sure where you are right now while you’re reading this or if you are in the position to do this without embarrassing yourself, but when you get a chance, open your mouth as wide as you can and the try to say in a normal volume speaking voice, “O how life is strange and changeful.” Try it. Sounds fucked up, right? It sounds like something is seriously wrong with you, right?
By this point, we are all starting to feel our cookies. Dan was feeling it as well. He was sitting up in his chair now and his eyes were rolling back in his head and he kept trying to talk. But it wasn’t talk. It sounded awful, like that sound you just made when you tried to say, “O how life is strange and changeful,” with your mouth all jacked open like a palsy. It was not a conducive soundtrack for a night meant for pleasure and nice things.
“You have to go to the hospital.”
Dan shook his head.
“We should call an ambulance.”
Dan shook his head and his eyes rolled around and even though his mouth was open wide enough for me to put my fucking head in there, I could still recognize a smile on his face. The giant circle would widen when he smiled. It looked like his face was going to tear open at the corners of his mouth.
“Okay then. Fuck it. He doesn’t want to go. Let’s just go to another bar,” somebody (not me) said.
We left the courtyard bar walking in a small pack down Decatur and Dan kept trying to say things. He was rubbing his hands all over his body and hanging his head back as he walked and he kept making those terrible sounds. It started to look and sound vaguely sexual (in a totally scary, creepy way) and it was becoming increasingly annoying. We walked into the next bar: four normal looking college students with their insane-looking friend whose mouth was jacked open all the way like he was really amazed at the bar we had just walked into. Everyone was staring at Dan. Dan was nodding his head to the music like nothing was wrong. He put quarters in the pool table and went around the bar asking people if they wanted to shoot a game. But he couldn’t ask them anything. He just walked up to them and made that horrible sound with his mouth wide open and it probably looked like to them that he was trying to bite them. No one wanted to shoot. Dan refused to leave or go to the hospital. At one point he borrowed a pen and grabbed a napkin from the bar and wrote: I feel great. I don’t care about my face. As proud as I was of him for that winning fuck-all attitude, the sound was just too much for me and I didn’t understand why he kept trying to talk when no one could understand him. My buzz was pretty much killed so I went home.
The next morning Dan showed up at my place. He said he stayed out last night for another hour or so. At one point he wanted to smoke some pot to help kick in the roll a bit but he couldn’t hit a bowl or a joint because he couldn’t get his lips around it. Instead, they stopped by someone’s house who had a bong and he had to stick the entire top of the bong inside his mouth and behind his teeth to get a hit. I asked him why he didn’t just have someone blow smoke into his mouth. He hadn’t thought of that. He said when he woke up that morning his jaw was still locked open. (Did I mention that Dan rode a scooter?) He said he rode his scooter to the hospital with his mouth still like that. He said he freaked out a lot of drivers and he also ate lots of things from the air like bugs. At the hospital, the doctors gave him a shot in the jaw and closed it for him. As soon as he got home from the hospital, it popped open again. He had to ride his scooter back to the hospital with his mouth still jacked wide open and have them redo it. The doctors wrapped a bandage around his head so it wouldn’t happen again.
When you stop looking at a relationship as a ‘sentence’ or something that signifies the end of your fun, spontaneous life, and instead start looking at it as a chance for you to gain a teammate and partner to experience your adventures with.
(April 20th to May 21st)
When you stop trying to control all aspects of your love life and learn that all you can do is be your most true, genuine self – and that you have no control over the feelings of the other person.
(May 22nd to June 21st)
When you stop trying to put on a facade in front of whoever you date, and when you understand that when you’ve found the right person, you don’t have to be perfect and happy and put-together all the time – because with the right person, you’re supposed to work through your struggles, anxieties, and insecurities.
(June 22nd to July 22nd)
When you finally learn that unconditional love is not the same thing as letting someone treat you poorly and walk all over you – and when you finally understand that someone needs to earn your love and reciprocate it 100% if you’re going to give them your whole heart.
(July 23rd to August 22nd)
When you learn to be more adaptable, flexible, and patient with your love life – instead of looking at it as something that has to follow a strict set of rules and a very specific timeline.
(August 23rd to September 22nd)
When you stop trying to find reasons why your relationship won’t work out – when you stop going back to your supposed comfort zone in which you come up with every possible scenario of why this relationship won’t work out (because that’s what makes you feel most in control) and instead just try to live in the moment with the other person and let yourself feel what you want to feel.
(September 23rd to October 22nd)
When you stop convincing yourself that the start of a relationship means the end of your fun and independent lifestyle. Up until now you’ve always gotten restless in relationships and seen them as something that only sucks all the excitement out of your life – so until you realize that a relationship with the right person only makes your life more full and happy and independent, you’ll stay single.
(October 23rd to November 22nd)
When you stop being secretive, stubborn, and overly private about your life and become okay with the fact that being in a relationship means that the two of you will need to depend on each other sometimes, because that’s what a partnership is.
(November 23rd to December 21st)
When you actually decide that you want to start seriously dating and/or be in a relationship with someone, instead of just passively floating through your love life like you have in the past and while depending on the other person to make the first move.
(December 22nd to January 20th)
When you stop looking at love so formulaically and instead understand that it is a strange and overwhelming experience in which you have to be willing to be vulnerable and be open to all the unpredictable situations love will throw your way.
(January 21st to February 18th)
When you stop trying to ‘protect’ yourself, realize that remaining emotionally detached is only causing you pain, and start being willing to take risks with your heart – because with the right person, the fear and discomfort and uneasiness of risking heartbreak will always be worth it.
(February 19th to March 20th)
When you stop looking at deep and amazing love as something only other people experience – and realize you are just as deserving (and capable) of experiencing true, incredible, over-the-moon love as anyone else in this world.
It’s 1am and I’m laying here because sleeping through night doesn’t happen too much anymore. I laughed about it at lunch today when my friend asked me what I take every night to fall asleep. Either benadryl. ZZZquil. Melatonin. Alcohol.
Alcohol only makes it worse so I’ve tried to lean away from that.
I choose not to escape but rather face these things head on. And moments like these when it hits is when it’s the ugliest.
It’s 1AM on a Saturday and I wonder why I stayed home tonight. I didn’t go to a party. I didn’t go to a bar. I just stayed put.
It’s 1AM and I feel so alone but I don’t want to burden my loved ones with negative company.
It’s 1AM and the thing about depression, in it’s darkest moments, it does it’s best to lie to me. Make me believe things that aren’t true but at 1AM I believe it.
It’s 1AM and I’m wondering why I wasn’t invited anywhere. I look at my phone. I see the texts that weren’t answered that shouldn’t shake me like it does but here I am completely affected by it and taking it too personal.
I look at snapchat and instagram. And I know those moments aren’t an accurate depiction of everyone’s life all the time. I don’t see their struggles. All I see is I’m holding back tears alone at 1AM and I wonder what’s wrong with me. I wonder why me?
Even if it runs in my family, why was I the chosen one to deal with these battles I can’t even articulate without making people uncomfortable.
Nor do I know how to explain any of it.
My brother stumbles home drunk and I look at him with envy. I wonder what being really happy all the time feels like. Drinking not to escape but because it enhances your good emotions instead of your bad ones.
I look at him and want to ask why wasn’t I invited even though I probably would have said no anyway.
WHEN YOU HAVE DEPRESSION YOU CLING TO INCLUSION AND ACCEPTANCE BECAUSE YOU JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL FOR EVEN A LITTLE WHILE.BUT YOU ALSO CLING TO ISOLATION AND THINKING YOU’RE BETTER OFF ALONE.
It’s 1AM and I’m beating myself up because I haven’t heard from him in days and I thought things were going well this time. I really did believe that.
It’s 1AM and depression tells me I’m a burden. That I’m clingy. That no one cares. That all everyone does is worry about me because I’m a little too needy sometimes. I question a lot of my relationships like are they in my life not because they want to be or rather feel a sense of obligation.
These are the things depression tells me at 1AM.
I analyze my last relationship gone wrong thinking I’m too blame. Replaying all the things I wish I could have changed.
I know I’ll wake up tomorrow and 1AM will seem like just another dream that I don’t even fully remember. I say to myself, why do you let yourself get like that? Then I continue on with my day.
Laughing. Smiles. Cracking jokes. Because depression doesn’t mean I’m sad and emotional all the time. It just has it’s moments that consume me for a bit.
When people ask how are you, I say okay.
When you have depression 80% of your life is okay. 10% are the nights at 1am where I don’t want to die but I’m emotionally exhausted living in a state like this. At 1AM on bad nights I don’t even recognize myself. And I talk to my friends and they say you sound differently. And they can tell this isn’t the real me. I feel bad for bothering them.
The other 10% are really happy moments that carry me through everything else. Moments where happiness doesn’t seem hard to achieve and I wish I could hang onto that a bit longer. Moments where I’m laughing to a point of happy tears and I look at the people around me and I realize this is what it’s all about.
These moments make me undeniably grateful.
It’s those people I think of during bad nights. It’s their pictures I look back at. People ask why I take so many pictures and I know it’s kind of annoying sometimes. But when it’s 1AM and I’m alone and depression tries to trick me into saying I have no friends, those are the moments I look back at.
At 1AM I know everything going through my head that seems real isn’t.
Depression tells me I’m weird.
Depression tells me no one likes me.
Depression tells me I’m going to lose everyone and everything I care about.
Depression tells me it’s always my fault when something ends or goes wrong. And I want to apologize for things I don’t even know I did.
At 1AM I am my own worst enemy.
At 1AM I’m thinking of the past and everything I’ve done wrong in my life I can’t seem to forgive myself for.
I know eventually I’ll grow too tired of this. My eyes will shut and then it’ll be morning. I’ll want to fall back to sleep a bit longer because sleep is the greatest escape when reality isn’t what you want it to be.
But I start my day and I can’t shake the fact this isn’t normal to feel this way. That life shouldn’t feel this heavy.
I reach for my phone as if notifications and likes are validation for acceptance when there parts of myself I don’t like. I hate how much I cling to my phone sometimes. A device that makes me feel so lonely sometimes. A device that might mean I’m connected but so emotionally disconnected.
I just want it to be normal.
But I know no matter where I go or what I do depression lurks in every corner following my every move. The shadow I don’t see in the day but appears at night.
Depression comes like the house guest that wasn’t invited and overstays their welcome but you don’t know how to ask them to leave.
I think back to a time when depression didn’t consume me. And the only thing I can come up with was when I was in love. Love had a way of driving away the darkness within me and brought out a light I didn’t even know existed.
And as much as I hate this part of myself he taught me I was capable of being loved. But it wasn’t just that. He taught me to love and accept myself in ways I never knew how to before.
I learned over time to appreciate these dark sides to myself.
Depression taught me about compassion and understanding and vulnerability. That these really horrible things connected me to so many others because I was brave enough to talk about it and write about it.
I learned in the moments I feel so alone and different I’m not.
I learned we all feel these things sometimes. Maybe not as heavily but we all know what’s it’s like to be depressed and lonely sometimes.
When I open up about these really hard emotions I’m struggling to make sense of myself, it’s there I gain people’s trust. And they turn to me knowing I’ll welcome them without judgement.
It’s the strength knowing I can have nights like that and still fight back and I do.
It’s being kinder than necessary because I know what it’s like to be unkind to myself so I strive to make other people’s lives a little better if I can.
It’s the sensitivity of knowing maybe I take things too hard sometimes and maybe I feel things too deeply sometimes but I’d rather feel all of it good and bad then allow pain to change me.
It’s the appreciation for life because I really do love my life and the people in it.
WHEN I SAY I LOVE YOU PROBABLY TOO MUCH SOMETIMES WHAT I’M REALLY SAYING IS THANK YOU.
It’s realizing there isn’t anything harder than overcoming myself and my demons. With that realization comes resilience that pours into every other part of my life.
I can either let this destroy me or use as fire to fuel me.
It’s believing in love so deeply that sometimes I give my best to the wrong people. Maybe sometimes I love too quickly only to let them takes parts of me as they go.
But I never stop believing in love and it’s potential.
Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that when you get relationships right, love is one thing that drives away every bit of darkness within you. Maybe that’s why we all want it so badly.