I may be an open book, but I’m not an easy read. I don’t have a problem telling people how or why I feel a certain way. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and if I’m not ready to talk, I’ll tell you. I’m not intentionally trying to shut you out; I just have to really think about what I need to say. Perhaps that’s why I love writing as much as I do. I can make sure everything is worded properly before it is read. With words, once you say it, the damage is done. You can’t undo it.
I have noticed that the older I get, the higher my walls rise. Not with the intention to be a bitch, but to protect myself. Anyone who knows me will tell you I tend to make friends everywhere I go. But for me to really trust you takes time and work. I used to feel bad and apologize but not anymore. Now at the ripe age of 29, I have come to the decision that I’m not sorry. I won’t apologize for making someone show that their intentions are pure and if you want to be with me, you better fucking prove it. I’m done making excuses for people and their actions. I’m done being vulnerable first. Most importantly, I’m done allowing others to determine my worth. For the first time in my life, I know what it’s like to be happy with the person I am.
I can be described in many ways. Real. Authentic. Dynamic. I am funny, smart and sarcastic as all hell. I am not materialistic. I don’t look for wealth because I can take care of myself. I am not a high maintenance kind of girl, because life is too short to always want more. We should learn to love what we have and concentrate on growing as a person. I am genuine and caring- two things that cannot be faked. And in all honesty, I will be one of the best things to walk into your life. So, please don’t fuck it up because I am out of second chances.
Like so many other women, I have had my share of heartaches and almost relationships. And like every other teenager, I struggled with self-love until quite a bit later in life. It took making some good friends and learning that I didn’t need the approval of others to be happy. I was 23 before a guy evergenuinely confessed his feelings for me. I knew him for almost a decade and always assumed he disliked me because he avoided talking to me unless he absolutely had to. One morning he reached out and everything he felt about me over the years was exposed. Not to mention I always low key was interested but thought I never stood a chance. He was the first guy to tell me I was beautiful and said that I should never try to dull who I was to fit other people’s standards because I was in fact “perfect just how I was”. He died suddenly about a day or two later. I still think about what life would have been like if we had the opportunity to pursue something.
A few years later, I fell for a guy who quickly became my best friend. He was a great person but just didn’t know what he wanted. I sat on that roller coaster for 2 years praying he’d wake up one day and realize what was right in front of him. A woman who truly loved him and cared about his well-being. I eventually forced myself to leave because I hated how sad I constantly was. Although the realized I was a real catch, he was too scared. Walking away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it taught me that doing what’s best for yourself will always be necessary.
Even after him I had my share of ups and downs. I experienced true intimacy. I experienced genuine conversation and ultimately sadness again. Nonetheless, I realized that what doesn’t kill you truly makes you stronger. On that same note, please know that I’m not looking for perfection because it doesn’t exist. I’m not looking for my other half because I’m whole on my own. However, I am looking for effort, support and understanding. I’m looking for depth and genuine affection. I will never need you, but I will want you and with the right person, I believe we can be something pretty spectacular. I don’t share all this with you for attention or sympathy. I simply want you to understand where I’m coming from, especially if I’m someone you want to be with. Plus with all the hell I’ve been through, I’ll be damned if I give another man that kind of power unless I know he’s worth it.